30(ish) things i know at 30(ish)
all the things i wish i'd known going into my first full decade of adulthood.
I turned 30 in April. I’d just moved back to London from Amsterdam, had just started a new job and was two months away from our Big West Wales Wedding™️, a year after getting legally married in Vegas. Truly, a case of everything, everywhere, all at once.
In the run up to the big 3-0, as they say, people kept asking me how I felt about entering this new decade. And every time someone asked, it was laced with this tinge of ‘because you know, it’s bad’. People seemed to feel that my youth was now officially over. That my twenties had ended and my silly billy era was done. That it was time to grow up, give up and mourn the younger, collagen-filled days.
In truth, though I felt a lot of things about turning thirty, sadness was not one of them. I felt stressed, overwhelmed and tired because of all the aforementioned, big life changes I’d stupidly decided to take on in the space of three months. I became aware of a few sparkly grey hairs nestling in with the blonde ones, but didn’t mind. It felt like it would’ve been easy to fall into the trope of, ‘farewell, youth! It’s all doom and gloom from here on out!’ But that’s not how I felt.
Instead, I felt excited. I felt excited to have a ‘big enough’ excuse to get all my friends and family in one place to celebrate something together. I felt excited to enter a new decade, and to be honest, I felt a little relieved, too.
Like many women, I now see that I spent my twenties trying to figure things out. I figured out what the first wave of my career might look like. I figured out who I was as a friend (and importantly, which of my friends actually served me well), as a girlfriend (then a wife), a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a granddaughter, a niece – the list goes on. I figured out how I wanted to show up in the world. I figured out how to fail. I figured out how to succeed. I figured out what I thought made me happy, then how to leave it behind when it no longer did. I figured out how to make decisions, and how to be comfortable with their consequences. I figured out that nothing lasts for ever, so it’s important to make the absolute most of everything while you still can.
I celebrated turning thirty with three events – one for every decade. The first was a party at my childhood home with my family. The second was a big day (into a big night) out with my friends. And the third was five days in Marrakech with my husband, who agreed to tone down his usual ‘let’s do an activity on the hour every hour for an hour’ approach to a holiday, in favour of actually switching off and just… being. All in all, it was the perfect (dragged out) way to celebrate the end of one decade and the start of another.
So as a farewell to my twenties and a hello to my thirties, this is a list of 30(ish) things that I now know at 30(ish) – and wish I’d known earlier. Some of these things are my own findings. Others are borrowed from friends, family and those who are a lot smarter and wiser than I’ll ever be. It feels like a nice collection to pass on, so please do with it what you will.
Dogs are better than people.
Like, obviously. The unconditional love and joy you get from a dog is just incomparable to that of a person. Our family dog, Didi (short for Didier Dogba) left us earlier this year, but not before he’d given us 11 years of everything he had to give. He knew all my secrets and was never not utterly ecstatic to see me. We can learn a lot about loyalty and companionship from dogs.
You’re never going to think you look amazing in anything. So just wear that thing anyway.
Remember that your eyes are the most critical pair of eyes that’ll ever gaze upon you (except maybe your mother-in-law’s). One day, you’ll be older, wishing you’d been bolder and that you’d just worn that thing you so desperately wanted to wear, but didn’t let yourself feel good enough to do so. For years, you’d rarely find me in a vest because of how much I hated my ‘big’ arms. But guess what? My arms are the same size in a long-sleeve as they are out of it. So just sling that thing on, wear it well and let that outfit fulfil its fashion destiny.
You never regret a swim.
This comes courtesy of my gorgeous friends, Elsie and Mike. They fully believe that you never regret a swim, and I’ve never been in a situation with them where they’ve been wrong – including the time we were all on Broad Haven beach in West Wales and forgot to take any swimwear, so all went in the water in our underwear instead. Just get your kit off and get in. Water is nearly always the answer.
A good WhatsApp chat can change your life.
It took me a very long time to find the group of female friends that I have now – and then even longer to bring a few of them together from the separate corners of my life into one group. The group chat we’re in brings my joy every single day. We are all smart. We are all funny. We sometimes communicate only through WhatsApp stickers. We are all effective problem solvers. We are all cheerleaders for anything and everything we do. We are all condoners of each other’s bad behaviour and irresponsible financial decisions. These women are amazing and I am so lucky.
It is better to be you than to be cool.
I found that once I’d gotten over trying to work out what was ‘cool’ or not and finally just accepted who I was, people started describing me as ‘cool’ – which felt wild, given how I am not at all cool and in fact, take pride in being a total dork. This has led me to conclude that being ‘cool’ is actually about just being true to yourself. You do you, and the right people will love you for it.
Always tell the bar, restaurant or hotel that it’s someone’s birthday (even when it’s definitely not).
Nearly every place will have some sort of treat or upgrade reserved for a guest who’s celebrating something great. So, any time I book a table, I either tell the restaurant that it’s someone’s birthday (six months before or after an actual birthday is good enough to still be celebrating it, in my books) or I really go in on exactly why we’re going out for dinner and why we’re celebrating. Last month I wrote, ‘One of us just got married and one of us just got divorced!!!’ on the reservation and we had a free round of shots.
Stop saving things ‘for best’.
Family friends recently sent us a wedding card that had the message, ‘Go and live a big and happy life together’ inside and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since. I don’t think in order to live a ‘big’ life you have to fill it with big things – you just have to turn the small things into big ones. Light the fancy candle. Open the posh coffee. Drink the champagne when someone you know has some good news. Life’s too short to save things for best and to wait on a reason to go big.
That bad thing right now will probably be a good story later.
At a wedding a few months ago, someone made a comment about my outfit that really took me aback. On the brink of feeling hurt and upset, I instead chose to exhale, embrace the stupid comment for what it was and laugh about it with friends. It has since become a cornerstone piece of content in one of our group chats. An excellent story, which will continue to be excellently retold for years to come.
Ready Salted Hula Hoops will (nearly) cure your hangover.
As you get ready for your night out, get a multipack and put it next to your bed in readiness. Then, the following morning, as your brain fills with hangxiety and you begin to hate yourself, reach over and grab two (2) bags. Eat the Hula Hoops in pairs and soak in the salt. You can thank me later. (Maybe we should rename these, ‘Ready For Anything, Salted’. Hit me up if you want to work with me, KP Snacks.)
You will never please everyone so stop trying right now.
Like, right now this second. Stop it. In the writing world, my team will often hear me say, ‘if you speak to everyone, you speak to no one.’ It’s the same in the real world. If you’re trying to please everyone, you’ll end up pleasing no one – and wearing yourself out in the process. Stay true to yourself and remember that the people who get mad about you setting your boundaries are usually the people who are trying to cross them.
Write down that idea you just had. You will forget it.
‘Oh, but this idea is so good, I’d never forget it!’, I hear you cry. You are wrong. Write it down.
That annoying task you don’t want to do, so you’ve been putting it off for ages, will likely only take you 5 mins. Just do it.
Yesterday I replied to an email that had been hanging over my head for seven (SEVEN) months. It took me about 30 seconds to reply and the person replied about five minutes later. I hate myself.
Gold hoops, red lipstick and red nails will elevate most outfits.
I am very lazy and only ever buy earrings I can sleep in and lipstick I only need to apply once. The best red lipstick I’ve ever had was given to me as a gift at Red Magazine’s 20th birthday party and I fell in love with it immediately. It’s the perfect bright red and it literally lasts all day and all night. I wore it all the time and THEN I LOST IT, couldn’t remember the name of the shade and spent three years (I’m not exaggerating) trying to find it again. I found it last year and it will now never leave my bag (or my Notes app) again. It’s Sisley’s Le Phyto-Rouge in No. 40, Rouge Monaco. It’s £48, which is a lot, but I promise you’ll never need another bright red lipstick again.
Hunger and drive will get you further than talent.
You might have talent, but if you don’t have the hunger or drive to go and do something with it – you won’t get anywhere. Hunger and drive are the double act that keeps you going when you’ve been knocked down. They’re the Ant & Dec of starting again after a failure or setback. They’re the French & Saunders of finding the momentum when nothing seems to be going your way. They’re the Mulder & Scully of truly doing what it takes to get what you want. Figure out what you’re good at, what you want from your life and then put your foot on the accelerator to go and get it. Just know that success doesn’t happen overnight, and that it always looks different to everyone.
Apologise when needed, but don’t say sorry too often.
Giving a real apology for something you’ve done (or were supposed to do) seems to have become a lost art. We seem to be in an era of absent accountability and it sucks. If you hurt someone and they tell you, you should apologise. None of this, ‘Well, I’m sorry if you feel that…’ No, no. They do feel that. They just told you. Apologise. That said, don’t say ‘sorry’ as a filler word. I find myself naturally writing, ‘sorry, just wanted to ask if…’ and ‘sorry, I’m not sure on that one…’ and ‘sorry, can I just check something…’ all the time at work and it’s stupid and makes me look meek and weak. I am neither of those things. Sorry!
Talk about money.
Especially if you’re a woman. We all know generally speaking, that women tend to feel less comfortable talking about money, and therefore don’t. It’s how pay disparities happen between people doing the same roles. It’s how the gender pay gap exists. It’s how we get confused doing our tax returns and think ourselves as stupid. Knowledge is power. Share it.
Talk about health, too.
We always think we’re going to be fine until we’re not. And if you suddenly find yourself not being fine, you’ll likely want to talk to other women about their experiences too, to share the load and feel less alone. When I found out I was pregnant and needed to have an abortion, I told one person aside from my then-boyfriend. And as it happened, she’d also had an abortion herself. Being able to talk to someone who’d had that lived experience too meant that I felt so much less alone and afterwards, I made sure that all my female friends knew about my experience in case they ever needed to lean on me for mine. Over the years, several of my friends have had abortions themselves, and knew exactly where I was when they needed me. So don’t let it be a taboo. That goes for health issues, fertility issues, STDs – all of it. Talk to your friends.
Don’t settle for a 7/10.
Many of us stay in relationships, friendships and jobs because we think that’s all there is. ‘Who am I to ask for more?’ we wonder. ‘But other people have it so much worse than I do, I should be grateful!’ we declare. I’m telling you now: there is always more out there for you if you want it. If you feel like something’s not enough for you, stop settling and go and find what is.
Wear SPF every single day.
When I worked at Skin + Me, this was the golden skincare rule that our dermatologists swore by and repeated to us every day: wearing a broad spectrum SPF (that protects against UVA and UVB rays) every single day is the single best thing you can do for your skin. I use Glossier Invisible Shield on my face every single day because it does the job, it smells great, it feels great and I love it.
Take more photos.
This one’s from my Nannie. People will probably call you annoying and roll your eyes when you get your camera out again, but they’ll thank you later when they get to relive all those moments you were part of together. I don’t mean like, heavily edited, posed photos, but captures moments of the people you love doing their thing as life happens around you all. Plus, scrolling through all your old photos is an excellent way to pass the time on a long flight.
Jump in the pond. You’ll figure it out when you’re in there.
Ina Garten said this in an interview with the Wall Street Journal. She says that a lot of people stand on the side of the pond trying to decide what the pond’s going to be like, but you really don’t know until you jump right in. I could not agree more. The best decisions I’ve ever made are the ones I didn’t overthink (for once), but just followed my gut and figured things out along the way. If I’d overthought the practical hurdles that moving to Amsterdam would entail, we’d never have gone. Always jump in the pond. You can climb back out if you need to. And you’ll dry off eventually.
The most interesting you can be is interested.
Have you ever been at a party and met someone who simply does not ask you a single question? Oh. My. God. It’s the worst. It’s exhausting. It makes you want to roll your eyes to the back of your head until they can’t return. My friend Kat and I talk about this all the time: that the most interesting you can be is interested. Being interested in things and people can lead you to conversations and opportunities you never thought existed. Being interested also makes you a good listener, which is an important quality (and is very different to waiting your turn to say something next).
Family won’t be around forever.
So make the most of them while you can. Plan the dinners. Pop round. Dial the number. Invest in the family group chat. Ask the questions. Listen to the stories you’ve heard a hundred times before. You won’t get the time back again.
But family is who you choose it to be.
You’ll often hear people say that ‘blood is thicker than water’, by way of telling you to put family first, no matter what. But the full phrase is actually, ‘the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.’ What this actually means is that more often than not, it’s your chosen bonds that often end up being more significant than the ones you were born with. It’s the relationships you make, choose and work hard at for yourself that matter the most – whether it’s family that become friends or friends that become family.
It’s ok to spend a significant amount of money on things that genuinely change your life.
When I had a breast reduction at the age of 26, I had one regret. I wish I’d done it sooner. Had I done so, I’d have spent more of my twenties feeling better about my body, and feeling comfortable to show up as my authentic self. I also had Invisalign, which finally stopped me from doing weird smiles and hiding my mouth in photos. If there’s something that costs a lot of money but truly changes your life and how you live it, save the money and spend it. Even if it’s just a pair of really great orange shoes that bring you a significant amount of joy.
Be friends with people who aren’t your own age.
One of my closest friends is twelve years older than me. We met when I was 22 and she was 34. Now, I’m 30 and she’s 42, and our friendship happily thrives with us sat at either end of the millennial age bracket. On my hen, the youngest woman was 24 and the oldest was 80. The conversations we all had together transcended generations and left us heading home feeling richer and better for it. More 20 year olds should be friends with 30 year olds, more 40 year olds should be friends with 70 year olds and so on. Younger people and older people have so much to learn from each other, and a lot to gain by understanding and supporting each other.
Trust your gut.
Someone’s vibe feeling off? You’re probably right. Follow your nose.
Don’t let other people’s comments, opinions and judgements affect how you feel about yourself.
I wish I could get the time back that I spend letting my husband’s parents’ comments and judgements about me define how I saw myself. It affected my confidence in nearly every corner of my life – I couldn’t back myself at work, I second-guessed my interactions with friends and spent far too long criticising myself through their eyes. It took months of therapy to finally separate how they felt about me from how I felt about myself. Don’t let this be you.
Say no, and say it often.
Everyone will want something from you. Especially if you are a person who is good and efficient at doing things. Spend your time as wisely as your money and just say no. ‘No!’ is even actually a full sentence. Wield it well. You can do it.
Take! Those! Exclamation! Marks! Out! Of! Your! Email!
You sound unhinged. And unconfident, too. And while you’re at it, delete the five times you said, ‘I just wanted to see if…’. No. You didn’t ‘just’ anything. You wanted to see it. SAY WHAT YOU MEAN.
You can do anything, but you can’t do everything.
David Allen said this and do you know what, David Allen was right.
What’s meant for you will not pass you by.
Timing is everything and sometimes, rejection can be redirection. If you’ve truly given something your all but it still didn’t work out, learn from it, process how you feel about it and move onto the next thing. The right thing will happen for you at the right time.
And finally, the best kind of intelligence you can possess is the ability to get what you actually want out of life.
They say there are eight kinds of intelligence. There’s music smart, body smart, people smart, word smart, logic smart, nature smart, self smart and picture smart. We tend to prioritise some of these above others, which can lead to many of us comparing ourselves to those who seem smarter or more successful than us because of their intelligence, feeling like we’re not enough. But regardless of your talents, skills or abilities, I’d argue that the best kind of intelligence you can possess is the ability to get what you actually want out of your life. Success looks different to everyone. Find out what it looks like to you, then go for it – no matter what anyone else says.
I was nodding along to so many of these. You’re a wise women Emily Ash Powell!